In an attempt to bring more women into his camp, Donald Trump announced today in New Hampshire, a contest for America’s First Mistress. “When I am in the White House, everything is gonna be so yuge, I am going to need a good lookin’ big tittied gal, to help with all the parties and official handshaking crap. I mean Melania is great in the sack and all that subservient stuff, but I think she can use some assistance. So in an absolute flash of brilliance, I have decided to offer the position to one lucky lady. Who knows? Maybe even more than one! Believe me everybody’s gonna love this!”
Mr. Trump is making the offer to any caucasian woman between the ages of 18 and 47, a focus group, polls say, he needs to win over. When proof is given that a woman has indeed voted for Trump in the primary, her name will be entered into a drawing, giving her the opportunity to compete in the “American Mistress Finals” to be held after all primaries are completed.
“If my amazing plan to make America great again isn’t enough to get out the babe vote, for sure the chance to bed me from time to time should do the trick!” bragged, Trump, with a sly wink. “Only losers don’t wanna “do the Donald!… Seriously, I am a great lay! …Seriously…really really great!” And you never know, I could get tired of Melania or simply wear her out and our winner could be my First Lady! I swear on my brand new Bible, it’s all gonna be so great!”