Turns out that it was definitely a Macintosh that Eve took a lustful bite out of, in that famous Garden, when all hell broke loose and Apple’s iconic logo was born. Now, billions of years and many leaps of imagination later, Apple’s Main Squeeze, Tim Cook has taken that knowledge and announced the World’s Largest Company’s Next Frontier. “Squashing The Orange!”

“We are not just going to compare Apples to oranges. My legacy will be to prove that there is indeed a difference between them and we plan on crushing the orange everywhere, including the produce aisle! We were there at the very beginning of time and we will be the only survivor at the end. Apples will dominate every fruit, in every food store on every planet. We are gonna be sure you hate the orange and love the Apple! We will conquer the competition-one grove at a time!” he thundered, to convince Wall Street he meant business, although it was not really clear whom the oranges represented.

With much murmuring in the crowd and a smattering of mild applause, it was noted by one confused audience member: ” Um….it’s pretty clear that Tim has run out of options to one-up Steve Jobs. This is, well, this is just sad.”