Sweaty palms, wide open eyes, excitable, fast, speech patterns, inability to mask inner glee are all symptoms of the latest scourge to invade America. The Center for Disease Control has identified the illness as Ebola News Fever. It kills the interest in any other news event and focuses solely on the possible catastrophic effect of Ebola Virus reaching the United States. One anchorman actually passed out from excitement while on air. So far ENF has been confined to the news media but doctors at the CDC are not sure how long it can be contained. “With 24 hour broadcast news, the Internet and a psychotic desire to whip everyone into a frenzy, it may soon spread to all 50 states,” warned one researcher. “We keep reaching out to reporters and news producers with actual facts but they continue to promote science fiction fantasies and worst case scenarios.” Doctors have not been able to identify patient zero but have narrowed the search down to CNN and Fox News although, they say at this point, it doesn’t matter where it began, since it has already spread to every news outlet.