Penelope Cruz is literally stunning men around the globe with her appearance on the cover of Esquire Magazine and definitively named the sexiest woman alive by a blue ribbon panel of people who know about these things. Men are causing blockage on sidewalks in front of kiosks and newsstands everywhere simply dumbstruck by her beauty! One man was heard to gasp, “ I’ve seen live beauty before but this is awesome!” just before he went comatose. Another just stared wide-eyed and managed a brief intake of breath before entering a suspended animation state. There was a hush on Wall Street as trading has slowed dramatically, while only women seem to be able to continue business as usual, as men are staring slack jawed at pictures of this years sexiest woman alive. Paramedics have been on their toes administering to the afflicted with emergency oxygen and ammonia snaps. “We haven’t seen anything like this since last years sexiest woman alive, Scarlett Johansson,” said one EMS worker. But her star, it appears has dimmed recently since having a baby and she has lost the title. In other Esquire Magazine news, Marilyn Monroe has retained her title, Sexiest Woman Dead.