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After working up crowds with his claim that same-sex marriage was going to be mandatory very soon, Ted Cruz faced his second* greatest fear today, when he received his official indoctrination papers from the Gay Mafia, demanding he report for gay basic training in Palm Springs, the day after Memorial Day in order to prepare him for his mandatorily assigned, same-sex spouse.

“I am st-st-st-stunned by this development,” stammered Cruz, when his assistant and hair stylist Rex, showed him the official gay conscription notice. “I was just kidding around with that mandatory stuff, ya know? I mean, really, who would believe that this could actually happen?” After reading the introductory letter that began with, “Hi Doll! Welcome to the family!”… he knew this was the real thing!

Claiming that he had already chosen to be straight many years ago, he insisted that this must be a gay clerical mistake or personal vendetta from the gay President from his gay oval office.

Normal gay training involves classes in Witty Repartee, Learning your way around Grindr, Gay style-Do’s and OMG Don’t Do’s, Understanding HGTV, Having a girlfriend who is not really a girlfriend, “What is She Wearing!!!”, Gym Dandy Gym Bodies and Circuit Parties for Dummies.

He is expected to spend 6 weeks in Palm Springs and if he does well there he will be sent to either San Francisco or Key West for Gay Officers Training School (GOTS) before being presented to his future same-sex spouse at the 2016 Gay Debutante Ball to be held in Miami Beach.

*Displeasing the Koch Brothers is fear #1