As nobody could agree on exactly what the criteria should be in judging the winners and losers of the GOP debate last evening, a media panel has suggested they be rated alphabetically, which makes Jeb Bush the automatic winner.

One source said, “Nobody actually says anything of substance at these things so it’s as good a criteria to judge on as any.”  Another said off the record, “We were sitting around trying to figure out who did the best and who got off the best lines when we realized that none of us really gave a shit.”

The panel plans to rank the next debate by weight.

The results from last night are, in order:

#1. Jeb Bush

#2 Ben Carson

#3 Chris Christie

#4 Ted Cruz

#5 Carly Fiorina

#6 Mike Huckabee

#7 John Kasich

#8 Rand Paul

#9 Marco Rubio

#10 Donald Trump