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John Barrymore

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Is The Moon A Planet Or A Star? Ted Cruz Puts Together Advisory Panel To Decide!

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Ted Cruz, newly appointed chairman of the subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness, was simply shopping for a birthday gift for his wife on QVC yesterday, when he instead, found himself enthralled by the brilliant host Shawn Killinger and designer Isaac Mizrahi, who were debating whether the Moon is a planet or a star.

Killinger: “Isn’t the moon a star?”

Mizrahi : “No, the Moon is a planet, darling.”

Killinger: “Don’t look at me like that! The sun is a star!”

Mizrahi: “I don’t know what the Sun is.”

“I slapped myself in my own face. I couldn’t believe what I was watching! You don’t expect to be so thoroughly engrossed by a healthy science discussion on QVC,” explained Ted, “but I believe this is where we will get the best information. We must always be open-minded to a hearty debate. Nothing is written in stone! The world and our universe are constantly changing, and ideas and preconceived notions must change as well. This is America! Nobody dictates what you must believe! Freedom of religion and science, assured to us by the Constitution and our founding fathers. Science is whatever people think it is. Any 5th grader knows that! So that, and many other fresh ideas is what I intend to bring to my new position.

Shawn and Isaac are not some bald, googly eyed scientists, locked up a lab making up stuff, scrawling formulas on blackboards. Bor-ing! They are real people out in the real world, seeing what happens every day, and they obviously speak from a wealth of fashion sense and experience. That is the kind of knowledge we need and I have asked them to serve on my science advisory panel. It truly was my lucky day tuning in to QVC. I also got a really nice cardigan for my wife.”

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Mary’s Random Thought Of The Day

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Yes it is random

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Julie Christie

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Mariah’s Heading To Vegas! Vocal Recordings Almost Complete!!

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Mariah Carey is headed to Las Vegas! Starting May 6th, the 5-octave floatation device will be taking up residency at Caesars Palace, for a show promising to provide an audio man’s treasure trove of outtakes. The show, titled “Mariah Carey #1’s” is said to focus on Carey’s 18 number one singles, which span from 1990’s “Vision of Love” to 2008’s “Touch My Body.”

Heading into the studio to record all the necessary vocals for the show Mariah gushed at how exciting the venture would be. “I love Vegas. People love Vegas. Therefore People Love Me! ……Wait, let me try that again with a fluttery hand gesture.”

Mariah confessed that she had wanted to include her hits that didn’t quite make it to the top, but was informed that Mariah’s #2’s just sounded a bit distasteful.

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Lego Movie Snubbed For Best Animation Oscar! Academy Awards Show Boycott Planned!!

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It seems that being nominated for Best Original Song “Everything is Awesome,” will not be enough to satisfy the plastic creations of the year’s biggest animated hit, “The Lego Movie!” The popular film has grossed over $250 million domestically, and it was considered a shoo-in for best animated film and possibly even best movie. The filmmakers, Chris Miller and Phil Lord are simply baffled. “There was no Pixar film to compete with, and the only other nominee we’d even heard of, was a sequel to How To Eat a Dragon. We are thinking there is some sort of bigotry at play here. but we can’t quite find a name for it. They only named 8 Best Movie Nominations. There was room for us! How hard would that be? We made the money. Now give us the gold! We hate to bring this up, but we a beginning to believe that Hollywood might actually be plasticist. That would be ironic for a town whose composition is 95% plastic. In any event, there is totally something screwy going on here! It’s not fair and if Hollywood isn’t going to play fair we are taking our Legos and going home.”

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Mary’s Random Thought Of The Day

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Mary’s Random

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Here’s Johnny

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White House Releases Photo Showing Both President And Vice-President Did Indeed Go To Paris!!

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Attempting to quell the criticism regarding the recent anti terrorist march in Paris over the weekend The White House has released their official photo from the event. News pundits and politicians had been severely critical that we did not send a high ranking official to represent the United States. The White House press secretary handed out this photo to the press corp with this statement. “It appears that, just as Angela Merkel was photoshopped out of the event by some news outlets, so were both President Obama and Vice-President Biden, who were indeed there for the very solemn occasion and can be seen flanking Merkel. Here is the proof. Now shut up.”

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Mary’s Random Thought Of The Day

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Mary’s Random

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