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The latest bachelor Chris Soules, (pronounced Soul-Less) got to examining the merchandise on the first installment of ABC’s The Bachelor, or “How To Attempt To Kickstart A Career in Hollywood And Let Producers Know You Will Do Pretty Much Anything To Become A “D” List Celebrity And Have A Career On Reality Shows.”

It turned out Mr. Soules was not quite prepared for the reception he received, while shopping for his dream wife on national TV. As he walked down the line of 87, mostly already salivating women, he was greeted with a lack of subtlety that he never imagined. The first woman simply tousled his hair, gave him a peck on the cheek, told him she was in love with him and would like him to “do her” that minute. He politely declined, but this seemed to signal the other gals to up their game, and the free-for-all began in earnest.

As he moved down the line, 5 women licked their lips lasciviously, when he said hello, and one slowly licked his hand when he offered it. 14 of the women planted kisses on his lips, 6 reportedly involved tongue, and one, an actual bite. 37 women informed him they were wearing no panties. 2 squeezed his butt cheeks and 23 massaged his pectorals while putting their thumb in their mouth and winking.

6 very buxom women decided motorboating him was the way to go. As beads of sweat began to trickle down his forehead, 1 very forward gal attempted to unbuckle his belt while singing “Hotel California.” But when he got to one who said she wanted him to “plow her field,” it seemed to be too much for the Iowa farm boy to handle. The amount of pure estrogen in the air appeared to overwhelm him, and his legs began to wobble just before he collapsed to the floor, landing on a pile of thorny roses.

The show went to a commercial break while the show’s in-house nurse, Candy Shoppe, revived Chris and bandaged his puncture wounds.

Spoiler Alert* below

He picks Candy