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Kraft Announces Swiss Cheese Breakthrough. Less Holes! More Cheese!!
Ham and Cheese sandwiches just got a bit tastier thanks to the Fromage Labs at Kraft Foods. That was the big news out of the Kraft Foods Worldwide meeting in Las Vegas! Joyous food news celebrated today by CEO Richard Ernz, and soon, by foodies everywhere!.
Ever on the lookout for ways to improve their products, this particular cheese breakthrough comes after years of diligent research by some of the greatest scientists, or cheese whizzes, as they are jocularly referred to in the “cheese biz”.
Alexander Gnandersung, a third generation cheese master was introduced, to explain their mission, to a rapt and already salivating audience. “We found that due to the excessive amount of holes in the traditional swiss cheese, the ratio of ham to cheese was never consistent from bite to bite in a sandwich. Sometimes the ham just overwhelmed the cheese, and if too much dijon flowed into the numerous holes, you not only lost the cheese altogether, but the ham flavor disappeared as well. We have made solid slabs of swiss cheese before but we realized that was a miserable failure. The aerodynamics caused by the holes, has an effect on the tang of the cheese and ham combo, and lifts it to the nostrils for the olfactory sensation, which in addition to the palate is a chief source of taste satisfaction in the traditional ham and cheese sandwich. So you must have just the right amount of holes, and of course they have to be of varying sizes and shapes! We believe that by adding just a small amount of a secret fermentation sauce to our cheese we have achieved the perfect number of holes and I really think everybody will notice that extra cheese in every bite. Throw in a side of slaw and a pickle and you’ve got ham and cheese ambrosia!”
As you can see they take their cheese seriously at Kraft.Now if we could only get them to explain what exactly is in Velveeta!
Posted in GTK, Scoop
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Republicans Give President Commemorative Football At State Of The Union Address. A Gift From The “True Patriots!”
Posted in Bad Sports, Politics, Scoop, Sports
Tagged #deflategate, #patriots, #stateoftheunion
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North Carolina’s Ramen Noodlepalooza On I-95!!! One Delicious Event!!!
College students and anybody on a budget from North Carolina and surrounding states, converged on I-95 near Rocky Mount, after a tractor trailer carrying a full load of the delicious noodles, crashed in the early hours of Wednesday morning. Truck driver Bryan Nestable nodded off at the wheel, and when the truck collided with a highway overpass support, it virtually burst like a pinata! From chicken and beef, to mushroom, pork and shrimp, the flavors packed, with an army load of MSG were all there! Of course they were spread out across the highway and the adjoining median, but as most packages stayed intact, the celebrants were in a frenzy grabbing their favorites!. “Noodles from Heaven” was the common joyful yelp! Participants came prepared with hot water in thermoses and many brought hibachi grills and Coleman stoves for boiling water.
“This is almost as good as spring break,” gushed Alisha Granitolla a junior at Duke University and a confessed ‘Noodlehead‘, ” I practically live on Ramen Noodles at the dorm but I’ve never seen so many flavors all at once. I plan on trying them all. This is a totally magical experience!”
Police, at first had tried to dissuade the students from helping themselves to the cases of noodles, but the truck driver, told them they could take all they desired, as long as they kept the noise down and didn’t disturb his nap. “How can you say no to these kids,” asked one state trooper? “Have you ever heard so much slurping in your life? What a sound!“
MTV was setting up a stage at Exit 37W and it was reported that Lady Gaga, Maroon 5 and Nicki Minaj, among other ambulance chasers of the music world, were already en-route for performances later in the afternoon. Word is, the noodlebash is already being considered as an annual event, without the truck crash part.
Needless to say, at this point, traffic on I-95 is at a standstill for miles in either direction, and locals should find alternate routes home, and if you were planning on picking up some Ramen noodles at the grocery for dinner, those shelves are sadly empty tonight. You might want to grab a pizza instead.









