Gimme A Quote

Jarod Kintz

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Nicki Minaj Bit on Ass by Snake. Bubble Bursts!

Minaj

With little warning the boa constrictor being used during a rehearsal for Nicki’s MTV awards performance slithered over and bit her right on the butt. Early reports stated that it had happened to  one of her back-up dancers to prevent mass panic. There was a whoosh as though a dam was bursting as an unidentified jelly like filling poured out leaving her half-assed as everyone tried not to fall down on what became a terribly slippery stage. Nicki is said to be resting uncomfortably on her left side at NYC Cosmetic Surgery Institute as she awaits a butt donor. She has been moved to the top of the list and hopefully she will be good as new for tomorrow’s MTV awards show, assuming the hazmat team gets the stage cleaned in time. All considered, it was lucky that it was a snake instead of the elephant that she planned to use when performing another number “Pachydermia Love” from her forthcoming CD  “Minajerie” FTM wishes Nicki a speedy and full figured recovery.

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Chris Christie Offers Jamie Foxx a Government Package!!

Government Package

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Mary’s Random Thought Of The Day

Mary's Cleansers

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Rick Perry Accepts President Obama’s “Find Iraq On A Map Challenge!!”

Rick Perry Orange

After insisting that President Obama bomb the hell out of ISIS, Texas Governor Rick Perry accepted Obama’s rebuttal challenge to find Iraq on a map. Appearing at a rally outside Shugabee’s Texas Barbecue in Buda, Texas he was put on the spot when a reporter placed a world map in his hands and asked him to point out exactly where Iraq was. While an aide searched for his photo op glasses Perry licked barbeque sauce off his fingers and slowly unfolded the map as he extolled the virtues of good Texas BBQ and the Dallas Cowgirl cheerleaders for no apparent reason. After a short confab with an aide who then handed him his glasses, he announced he was ready and asked the question to be repeated. He then asked the reporter if this was a recent map and when he was told yes he perused it thoughtfully. He shouted “Aha” and pulled the toothpick out of his mouth and plunged it into the map directly south of Lake Como. He then thanked everyone and climbed aboard his campaign bus. Upon further examination the reporters found he had stabbed the toothpick through his own BBQ sauced thumbprint.

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Mary’s Random Thought of the Day

Internyet

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9 Things You Need To Know About Someone You Actually Need To Know Nothing About

 

 

Best Britney

1. Says Y’all at least 87 times each day

2. Must be directed to the front door of her house each morning

3. Favorite nighttime snack is Melted Gummi Bears with Ranch Dressing on an English Muffin

4. Thinks that Spanish is spoken fast. That is why many refer to it as a second language

5. Is convinced the carotene in eye shadow helps her vision

6. Believes the lost continent of Atlantis was actually just misplaced and will turn up any day

7. Has challenged Adele to a singing contest

8. Brags that she can name all 37 states

9. Plays Gin Rummy with real Gin

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Carson Daly hears a new Voice in his life!!!

carson Baby

Not to be outdone by his employee Christina Aguilera, Carson Daly, the host and executive producer of “The Voice”, appropriately announced the birth of his third child with fiancé Siri Pinter. The baby girl unpretentiously named London Rose Daly joins her older siblings Mayan Runes and Duluth Buttercup in what appears to be a family Carson is putting together on spec. We will follow up and find out if three is the charm that sends these two down the aisle.

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Mary’s Random Thought Of The Day

random mary

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Ann Coulter Takes The Ice Bucket Challenge

anncoulter

 

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