Mary’s Random Thought Of The Day

Posted on October 2, 2014 by jr

mary's random 10_2_14

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Michael Phelps Can Do More Than Swim Like A Fish! Arrested On DUI Charges!

Posted on October 1, 2014 by jr

MichaelPhelpsDUI

After an evening of Casino Gambling and Cocktails, Olympic Champion Michael Phelps took to the Maryland highways and made them all fast lanes.

Phelps, known as the “Baltimore Bullet” and winner of 18 Olympic gold medals, was arrested at about 1:40 a.m. and charged with driving under the influence, excessive speed and crossing double lane lines within the Fort McHenry Tunnel on I-95 in Baltimore. He was clocked on radar at 84 mph in a 45 mph zone when the officers pulled him over. He was very cooperative and his only request was that any tickets he received be draped around his neck on colored ribbons. After failing sobriety tests he was booked and then released to the custody of his mom a few hours later. He  is expected in court next week. One officer commented “Thank goodness he took the tunnel. We never would have caught him if went in the river.” Michael released a statement apologizing for the incident and he said soberly that he has learned a lesson that everyone should know. “It’s better to be in the drink than have the drink in you.”

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Gimme A Quote

Posted on October 1, 2014 by jr

VeryBest Groucho

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Ben Affleck Goes Full Frontal In “Gone Girl”. News Causes Box Office Rush And $69 Million In Advance Ticket Sales!

Posted on October 1, 2014 by jr

Best Ben

20th Century Fox was trying to keep it a secret but Ben Affeck couldn’t resist spilling the beans in an MTV interview yesterday. His new picture “Gone Girl” features his own full frontal nudity. “I know everybody has been wanting to see my peen for many years but I felt it necessary to be known for my acting talent first” said Affleck. “I feel secure enough that it won’t overshadow my body of work thus far and I know everybody has been very patient, for which I am very grateful.” News of the full frontal has begun a ticket assault on-line and at box offices around the country as crowds started to form 3 days before the premiere Friday. Theater owners believe they may have to schedule midnight shows Thursday just to relieve the pressure of the people in line. “They’re exploding with anticipation,” one theater owner exclaimed, “It’s a little surprising to me that both men and women of all ages are so interested in seeing Ben’s penis. But I did see an advance screening and I must admit, it is impressive. And in IMAX! Whoa!

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Microsoft Surprises Everyone With New Operating System. Meet “Windows Fred”!

Posted on October 1, 2014 by jr

Best Fred

Microsoft Corp. announced its new operating system on Tuesday to replace the largely unpopular Windows 8. In a bold move they have decided to cease numbering the systems and give them proper names instead. So welcome to the new world of “Windows Fred”, one giant leap toward unifying the way people work on tablets, phones and traditional computers. After all we are people, not numbers!

Windows Fred will be “our greatest enterprise platform ever,” said Terry Myerson, Microsoft’s head of operating systems. “Fred is a friendly co-worker always ready to pitch in!” Unlike Windows 8, Windows Fred adapts to the devices customers are using, from Xbox to PCs and phones to tablets and tiny gadgets,” said Myerson. He’s also the designated driver at all parties!

“It’s a bold statement for Microsoft to make,” said Daniel Ives, an analyst at FBR Capital Markets. “So far there’s not as much meat on Fred’s bones as we would have wanted and he’s not that attractive, but he’s pretty darn smart!”

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Mary’s Random Thought Of The Day

Posted on October 1, 2014 by jr

mary's random 10_1_14

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Gimme A Quote

Posted on September 30, 2014 by jr

Best Fran

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White House Secret Service Replaced With Scarier Guys! Harsher Penalties!

Posted on September 30, 2014 by jr

best hook

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Everyone Wants To Ride The Magic Mike Bus! Now Oprah Jumps On Board!

Posted on September 30, 2014 by jr

BestMagicMikeXXL

Everybody continues to jump on board Magic Mike 2 or as it is more coyly known “XXL”, which really seems appropriate, as the cast grows bigger every second. The list of stars who want in on Mike keeps getting longer and longer. Andie Macdowell, Elizabeth Banks, Amber Heard, Jada Pinkett Smith, Michael Strahan, Marie Osmond, Donald Glover, Donald Trump, Ronald McDonald and all the original main cast have climbed back on, except Matthew McConaughey! But now that problem has been solved and there’s nowhere to go but up! They’ve got Oprah!!! Losing their Master of Ceremonies could have been a disaster but it appears Mike 2 will rise to even greater heights with “O”.

“It wasn’t a hard decision” exclaimed Oprah, “when you see a part this juicy, you just reach out and grab it!” All involved agree that this is casting perfection. “Who knows more about introducing stars, hustling them on and off stage, massaging egos and whipping up excitement in a room filled with raging hormones than Oprah?” said star, writer, actor, dancer, poet, singer, politician, electrician and Oscar hopeful, Channing Tatum. “Mike 2 is gonna explode all over the place!

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White House Intruder Got Further Than Originally Reported. Goes Swimming And Bowling!

Posted on September 30, 2014 by jr

Best Bowling

It was originally reported that the recent intruder at The White House was nabbed at the front door. New reports are showing a much more embarrassing scenario. Turns out that he actually made it much further and had plenty of time to enjoy the amenities. After a quick work out in the gym, he treated himself to a leisurely swim and sauna and comfy terry cloth robe. He then enjoyed a small vegetable plate and sparkling water before he made his way to the bowling alley for a few games where he bested Joe Biden 2 out of 3. It wasn’t until he was having a cigar in the club room when Joe realized he was much too affable to be John Boehner and alerted the Security detail who quickly tackled him.

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